What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
NASA has no chill
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now