Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.