I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”