Now this is how you LinkedIn
You Might Also Like
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.