My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
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won’t smith
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?