[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
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A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
The three genders
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff