Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?