Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.