CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
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They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
just make the entire table out of coaster
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
You have been warned.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir