You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I’m giving up ice.