Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
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ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.