Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
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girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
choose your fighter
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.