I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”