Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
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My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
This will never not be funny 😭
💯😂
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.