Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?