[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
You Might Also Like
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.