No, I don’t think I will.
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“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.