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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
And bowling should be called pinball
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?