“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Print is alive and well!!!
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄