So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
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REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Guilty! 🤪
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.