Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
🤣dope
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day