when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
the three branches of government
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.