I’m giving up ice.
You Might Also Like
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
😅😅😅
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
LMAO.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Body by Oreos
Always a metermaid never a meter
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.