I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
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[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.