People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
jesus, what did this guy do
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.