Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*gets down on one knee*
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.