Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
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[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one