People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Erm…
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt