(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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ibopfufen
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Just why bro?!
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
SF is the wild wild west man
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.