I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
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God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.