8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*