Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
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Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair