If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
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Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.