I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I know
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
so i’m at the stock market right
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send