A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Nice try, NASA
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
A woman drives into a bar.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.