I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
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I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Any refunds available?…
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules