You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
You Might Also Like
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My last name is Zilla.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.