Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
You Might Also Like
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard