Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”