me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
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4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good