Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
This is amazing.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.