“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
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I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.