When I retire I’m going to run from office.
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“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[commercial for IKEA]
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