[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄