*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
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My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me