Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
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*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living