If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
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‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”