I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
looks legit
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Why you watching this shit?”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…