One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
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*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.