It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
A short story of betrayal: